Step Five – A Clean Slate

Most of us were born perfect and the slate was clean. From the very first day of our lives we started to experience different emotions (for lack of a better term) and those feelings had a lot to do with the way we evolved into who we are today. Instinctively we responded to the different threats and joys that we were faced with and these were the things that established our strengths and weaknesses. That is true for most of us, but not all of us.

Unfortunately some of us were born with other problems that require medication, such as, A.D.D; Bipolar, and other difficulties that cannot be treated simply by changing our attitudes and behavior. These things, I am not educated enough to discuss, but for the average alcoholic, I believe, our problems can be traced back to that conditioning we experienced as we formed our mental and spiritual makeup.

I often hear it said that alcoholism is a disease of perception. It is a disease of many things, and perception is one of them. The perception we have of ourselves may be likened to a chalkboard containing every experience of our lives. If we can look at it and be satisfied that we had a pretty good track record, we would probably be comfortable with it and lead a relative normal life. If, however, we find ourselves on the negative side of the ledger most of our lives, we may develop abnormal feelings of guilt and shame, for instance, and that may just be the thing that triggers the beginning of the compulsion to drink excessively.

In the beginning we get a temporary relief that tells us that we are just fine, but it only lasts until we wake up the next morning and find ourselves in an even deeper pit. We reach for the bottle, and again it gives us that temporary buzz, and we repeat this process over and over until, by some tragic occurrence in our lives that drives us to alcoholics anonymous, we are encouraged to go through a process that can restore us to a somewhat normal life. Steps one through four are about surrender, acceptance, and discovery. Step five is about disclosure.

Step five, for me, was the gateway to how I was going to live the rest of my life. After two attempts at step four, I was faced with the decision as to whether my future was going to be honest and meaningful, or just a meaningless facade. Fortunately, for me, I took a leap of faith and disclosed all those, so called, tormenting ghosts of yesterday, (12×12 pg. 55) and looking back on it now, I realize that, that decision was the hinge pin, for my thoroughness, with the rest of the steps. Had I not cleaned the slate at that time I just don’t see how I could have followed the spirit of truth and honesty, with myself and others that would result in the peace of mind that I enjoy today.

My inventory had to deal, mainly, with bad habits which had to be changed by the process suggested in steps six and seven. That was the easy part of step five. However, those tormenting ghosts of yesterday were another story. These were not habits, but deeds that I had done as an adolescent kid that seemed unforgivable. No one should ever know, I would take them to the grave with me. Mustering the strength to take that risk may have been the most important step forward I’ve ever made. My brain had been lying to me, after all; how bad could a thirteen year old kid be? That one decision is what I credit with giving me my life back and if I hadn’t done it, I don’t see how I could have given a good effort to the rest of the steps from behind that facade that I used to call life.

I often hear members of the program that seem to resist looking deeper into their regrets and seem to build a wall of reasons why they don’t need to, and I wonder if they might be caught in the same dilemma that I was in when I took my fifth step. I wish I could reassure them that it’s not worth the mental torment that it puts us through and that it may be a good idea to revisit that step and clean the slate. We can’t live alone with them; we have to talk to someone about them. (Even A.A. oldtimers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping this step. 12×12 pg. 56) If, you are that person, I encourage you to try to get the strength to take that risk, and clean the slate; after all, we only live once. Let’s not waste the opportunity to live a happy and peaceful life.

By Rick R.