I’m Just Not Ready Yet

Who can, positively, describe the dynamics of alcoholic thinking? No one can, as it is as diverse as the number of alcoholics in the world. So how can anyone have the definite answers to any of the multitude of difficulties that we face?

We do find different ideas of how to address, so called, problems that gives us a start towards reducing the effects that those problems have on us, until they are no longer interfering with our mental calmness. If we are diligent about it, we will eventually find a place of acceptance which is hard to describe.

I was in the navy when I entered Alcoholics Anonymous, in the late 1960s, and was desperate enough to seek out AA for myself, with no coercion from the outside world. I’ve never had a problem with step 1 and the drinking part of the program and honestly, have never wanted a drink from that very first day, which brings us to the rest of the steps.

I hear stories all the time about people with long term sobriety, who have relapses, and that seems to contradict the first sentence in chapter five in the big book that says “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path”, and I’ve heard it said that the cofounders wanted to change the word “Rarely, to Never.”

One of the reasons, that I see, that may answer the question about the old timers that just decide to drink again after long term sobriety, may be the half measures approach to steps four and five. This is not to criticize them for being unable to take that risk at the time, for we know how difficult it is to overcome the shame and embarrassment of our past behaviors. These fears are also symptoms of the disease of alcoholism and no one can judge another for not being able to bring them to disclose these things too soon.

My first attempt at step four happened right before my one year anniversary, and I was doing the best I could, at the time, based on my shallow understanding of this process that we are supposed to go through.

I then received orders to be shipped out to the Western Pacific, so I folded up my composition book containing my forth step and stowed it away. I spent most of those four months at sea on an oil tanker, absent of any AA meetings and I had a lot of time to think about what I was going to do when I got back.

When I did arrive home I unpacked that composition book and started to read what I had written as a fourth step and I became aware of how shallow my thinking had been at the time I was writing it. I destroyed all that dribble, I had written, and started over again and went on to revisit all “those tormenting ghosts of yesterday” in a somewhat fearless and thorough way. I believe that doing it that way is the corner stone of all the rest of my steps.

In time I have addressed all of the rest of the steps with as much courage and thoroughness as I can muster, and the results are an unshakable framework for life. If, however, I wasn’t strong enough to revisit that step after four months, and had gone ahead with the original fourth step prior to my flying out to the far east, I may have convinced myself that I had done it, and went on with a half-hearted effort, which would have amounted to a facade that could have lead me to be satisfied with “Just not picking up today”

The only way, that I can see, to bridge the difference between the half measures approach, and the fearless and thorough approach, is to be honest with myself about being in fear concerning the things I’m not willing to disclose in steps 4 and 5. Denying them slams the door on the rest of the program. Admitting that they exist would be leaving the door open to getting back to it when you have a little more AA under your belt.

If, on the other hand, you attempt to slip by with the half measures approach, you may not ever want to admit to it later and that would be tragic and could end in a relapse after some serious years of sobriety. Some of these things take time and we should not be made to rush into them at the expense of self honesty.

The simple term: “I KNOW I MUST, BUT I’M JUST NOT READY YET”. These things will not go away by themselves but, one day you may run across someone that you feel you could trust with your life and be willing to take the risk. This is an approach that no one, who counts, will ever fault you for. It’s very important to keep it clean.

By Rick R.