Boy Meets Girl on AA Campus

How a tumultuous relationship at seven years sober brought one member closer to prayer, the program and other sober guys.

Over the course of my then eight years of sobriety I had never had a long-term relationship. Sober at age 26, my experience of healthy relationships was limited. I had dated, but each was either purely physical, short-term or long distance with little or no deep emotional connection. I found myself yearning for an intimate connection to start the next chapter of my life.

It was suggested by my sponsor Steve to go on multiple dates, interview women, be playful, get to know them and create real intimacy (“into me see”). “No dinner dates, it sends the wrong message”, he would say. This meant forming a true emotional, mental and spiritual connection, not just physical, which again, I knew nothing about. I was ready, but my higher power had other plans. Little did I know I was about to embark on a journey of self-discovery.

One day while at work I got a text from a friend I had met at a few AA meetings eight years before. She had met me through a friend and reached out. Although we had not seen each other in many years I remembered how attracted I was to her and how much we had in common. We began speaking and decided to set up a date.

On our first date, I was immediately attracted to her and wanted to see her again. It was love at first sight. We went on multiple dates and had a great time together. The subject of sobriety came up and she let me know she had a “phase” with drinking seven years before, but it was not a problem. I did not inquire any further. We had tons in common and stayed in touch daily through phone calls and texts.

About a month later the COVID-19 lockdown hit, and this kicked our relationship into high gear. We soon found ourselves spending long weekends totally together, watching movies, cooking, talking endlessly, running and riding bikes. We couldn’t interact with the rest of the world – we only had each other. Most of the time was spent indoors and our physical connection became the baseline of our relationship. We were in love. After six months I couldn’t believe I met my match. I was thrilled and so was she.

Over the summer we decided to plan a few weekend getaways to the beach and hiking. I picked her up on Friday afternoon, and while driving I had a feeling something was off. My partner seemed different, her voice, mannerisms and disposition had changed. When we stopped for gas and food, it hit me – she was drunk! I was in utter disbelief. I was so afraid. I had no idea what to do and said nothing for the entire weekend. She was sneaking drinks the next evening as well, but I was too afraid to confront her.

After speaking with other AAs, I confronted her, and she denied having been drunk or even having a drinking problem. After much conversation over the next few weeks, she unwillingly admitted it and agreed to go back to AA and not drink anymore. All was well for a short time, then the sprees started, and her drinking took off.

All I wanted was to help her and get my girlfriend back. I was unaware how powerless I was against her alcoholism. Creating boundaries with the men and newcomers I sponsor was very different than trying to do so in an intimate relationship with an active alcoholic. I constantly thought, I love this woman, I know she loves me. She sees I’m sober, the life I lead. Why can’t she stop drinking? I told myself and those around me I was committed to see this through. Little did I know I was to endure another 3 years of agony and self-discovery.

As a person deeply ingrained in the principles of AA, I started to stray (without being aware of it) – less meetings, losing connections with family, friends, my network, my sponsor and most importantly my higher power. My focus became solely on getting my partner sober. I did everything in “my power” to put her in a position to succeed. I wanted her sobriety more than she wanted it for herself. I made it my primary purpose. I acted out, trying to figure out where she was, who she was with and how much she was drinking to understand what I would be up against when she got home.

As things progressed, she got worse and so did I. I became isolated and ashamed and began lying to those closest to me about how bad the situation was. Once again, as I had in active alcoholism, I trapped myself in my own mind. I took her to multiple therapists, outpatient, inpatient and AA meetings with no success, only bitter resentment, while her drinking got even worse.

The sleepless nights, disappearing and constant fighting led to the endless emotional hangovers, which became unbearable. I became paralyzed. The pain I felt watching my partner deteriorate from alcoholism was unlike anything I had ever felt before. After one disastrous night, I woke up uncontrollably crying. I could not get up. This was a new low, my first real emotional bottom in sobriety. I felt so alone. I realized my world had become so small. I knew I needed to change, or I would drink again. I called a friend who recommended I dive back into AA and attend three different Al-Anon meetings – so I did.

After just one week, I was shocked to learn that many others have had the same painful experience living with an active alcoholic. Attending Al-Anon made it clear to me that I had completely put my needs aside and hers first. I had become obsessed with getting her to stop drinking. This revelation was the beginning of a new found hope and understanding of the disease for me. I had to focus on my sobriety, and she had to focus on either her sobriety or her drinking. It was none of my business. The more I attended Al-Anon meetings the more I learned about self-love, self-care, boundaries, emotional sobriety and most importantly that I could not control her drinking and I didn’t cause it.

I began only attending men’s AA meetings, where I met my new sponsor, Mike. He had me immediately begin step work and begin a daily prayer routine. I was to focus only on myself, not on dating or women, and immerse myself into AA. Most importantly, he stressed that I sponsor men and help newcomers. I’m so grateful to be fully plugged back into AA. I attend multiple meetings per week. Our men’s sponsorship family meeting meets every Tuesday night at my good friend Justin’s apartment. It’s my rock now and has become my foundation. This enables us to build deeper relationships together as well as the opportunity to be vulnerable and accountable with a group of strong spiritual men in an intimate environment. It has become the biggest blessing in my life today.

On my 12-year journey I have found that every relationship has taught me a unique lesson and is given to me as a gift. In our “Twelve and Twelve” it says, “the perspective partners need to be solid AA’s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them.”

I share my experience honestly and openly in AA meetings now, which has made me realize many other members have been through similar struggles. I no longer feel ashamed or alone. This experience has helped me grow tremendously and sharing it can benefit others. I am so grateful that today I’m 12 years sober, and my now former partner is sober 7-plus months. We have both been given a beautiful opportunity and remain friends to this day. This relationship brought me closer to my higher power, the program of AA and the spirit of the fellowship. Everything happens for a reason in God’s world.

By Dan J. New York, N.Y., Grapevine August 2024