Who Holds the Key to Willingness?

The Control Rooms in My Brainbox

There are many proven, practical suggestions in Alcoholics Anonymous literature that, if followed, would lead to a life of serenity and peace of mind. We hear these suggestions every day in the AA meetings that we attend, and it seems that we all place different degrees of importance on them. This might simply be based on how desperate we were when we entered the program.

Desperation was the main motivation that brought many of us to Alcoholics Anonymous in the first place. Unfortunately, some members get to a certain comfort level and then settle into a pattern of just attending meetings, falling into that “Half Measures” rut. This is a routine of complacency that can go on indefinitely, but that is their choice.

On page 35 in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12) it states that willingness is the necessary key. But when I was in my early days of sobriety, I resisted looking deeper into those embarrassing behaviors of the past and the present. That slowed down the pace of my recovery—but, thank God, it did not bring it to a complete stop.

Then, I learned that I was not the one making decisions about my willingness, for another power was hijacking that function of my brain box. I recognized and decided that, until I got my ego under control, I was going to be one of those unfortunate souls who falls into that complacency mode.

I had to come to terms with something that never occurred to me on my drinking days: Most of my errant behavior was the result of an ego-driven mindset. My ego did not want me to be willing to do any of the altruistic principles the AA program encourages, and for the most part, it selfishly ran the show.

I seem to approach the ego-deflation problem by imagining it as a separate control room in my brain, so to speak, right next to another control room labeled “Conscience.”

My Conscience says, “Make your bed.” And my ego says, “Don’t be a Wimp.” Next, I make my bed. The more I do what my Conscience suggests, the more I render my ego irrelevant.

All of my ego-driven actions were of a selfish nature, and all my Conscience-driven action are unselfish in Spirit. If I had not given due diligence to all of the twelve steps—and, instead, had let my ego talk me out of it—I would, most likely, not have gotten to this level of understanding.

I had to start with simple suggestions such as these: “Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.” (12 & 12 p. 91). And, “we had to drop the word ‘blame’ from our speech and thought.” (12 & 12 p. 47).

Now, I find it rewarding to be willing to brew and serve coffee at AA meetings, pass out the Big Books at 12-Step study meetings, take out the trash bags, etc. I can also smile, open a door for someone, let another driver in on the highway and help with an occasional hand out to the less fortunate.

Some may misunderstand my motives for why I do these simple little gestures, but I never let myself be deterred by that. If I did, I would be letting my ego get another foothold, and I am just not going to let that happen here. I am simply dropping the dead weight from my Conscience.

Today, I do not have to think about doing these deeds, as they have become second nature and part of who I am. When I do these things without fanfare, I get a warm feeling in my heart that replaces those old neglectful, negative emotions of the past. No Half Measures or complacency, here. My Conscience is my guide. Night-night ego. It is time to take your nap now.

By Rick R.