Tolerance, a Kinder Approach

Bill S, member of the Shaker Group, got sober in 1946. He knew Dr. Bob and wife Anne. Bill was fond of saying, “If we wanted professional speakers, we’d hire them.” We now call our AA talks “our lead” versus “our spoke” in Dr. Bob’s time. When Bill S. was asked to speak, he brought along a cracked leather notebook with yellowing pages and read his lead from it. Different? Yes? Wrong? Who’s to say?

Tolerance sometimes has both good and bad connotations; a couple synonyms are “sufferance” and “permissiveness.” I try to practice some of both. I’ve learned through good and bad examples that when I pick my battles, I’m more effective. Al-Anon even has a slogan for it: “How important is it.” I may not like everything I hear from some AA speakers but usually just put up with it. If, in my opinion, it is a grievous break with AA principles, I might talk to the person after the meeting. It’s a kinder approach.

I do know that all you need do to maintain sobriety is to not pick up that first drink. Lots of other stuff (attending lots of meetings, getting a sponsor and a home group, working the steps, studying the Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, subscribing the Central Bulletin and AA Grapevine, reading AA history, being of service, etc.) might make this a lot easier. Whatever mixture of those items works best for you is fine with me. My mix might not work well for you.

Chapter 5 in the Big Book originals said “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our directions.” That last word was changed to “path.” A path is a direction with some wobble room (or even stagger room?).

I once walked onto the factory floor of a client and saw several workers endeavoring to remove a 6-inch diameter rod from a 6-inch diameter sleeve. They were stuck together and the men were cooling the rod to make it contract and heating the sleeve to make it expand. The rod should have been made a tiny bit shorter than 6 inches and/or the sleeve a little bit more than 6 inches so a film of lubrication between the two would allow them to slide easily. Just a little wiggle room.

I thought I could never sponsor because who am I to tell someone else what to do. I learned better from my sponsor who just related his experience to me and then let me choose my own path. I nearly always ended up following him, after exploring the other alternatives of course. So I’d in turn share my experience to sponsees and then let it go. When I pay almost all my attention to what I’m doing and little to what you’re doing, I’m truly practicing our slogan: Live & Let Live. Life is easier that way.

By Bob M.